Full Moon Rising

I'm sure the last thing we said to each other was "love ya, call me later" but I don't remember. I hate that. I talked to you Friday night, but I was too busy Saturday to call.

I got a message that night that the police, fire, and ambulance had been at your house for a very long time. When I called dad, I knew. I knew that was it, this wasn't going to end with you coming home. I threw on my shoes and left my family in the middle of the night to pick up dad and head to the hospital.

We waited and waited some more.
Time slowed.

We watched them whisper and glance.
When they finally let us back to see you, I had no expectations. The silence and the sad looks from the staff warned me. I knew, and I had to take a breath before I looked. I knew what I was about to see. And there you were, intubated. Your body lifeless on the table, bruises forming on your head and a broken nose. Your hair was a mess. Your hands were swollen.

She spoke softly and with confidence, "We've read the EMT and police reports, it looks like it was almost 15 minutes before EMS arrived, is that correct?" "She went too long without adequate perfusion."

You were brain dead.

Dad asked me if we should call Bart. Yes, definitely.
Bart asked me if he needed to come home. Yes, definitely.

They sent you upstairs, to die I suppose. Clinically, they couldn't tell us you were gone yet. There was a protocol.

So, we waited some more.

I don't think I cried yet. I called your siblings. I checked in on Sunday and they said you'd be warmed up by Monday morning and we'd know more.

So I waited.

Monday morning came, they called and told me there wasn't much time left. Your blood pressure was too low. They were doing everything they could to keep you alive. Your heart couldn't sustain life, if it could, you would likely never wake up. And if both of those worked your kidneys had stopped functioning. We took you off the medication and extubated. They suspected you'd pass within minutes.

And so, I waited again.

I held your hand for hours. I was afraid to leave. What if it happened when I was away? I needed to be there when you left. I thought about the hours you spent bringing me into the world and I promised I'd be there for you. When I finally decided to take a break, I begged you not to leave when I was away. "Wait for me mom"

And so, you waited. 

I hurried back, got comfortable and put your hand back in mine. And there it was, the wait was over. You heart slowed to a stop. You took your dying breath. You left me here, alone. I kissed you one last time and walked away. I never looked back.

That night the full moon rose, and the sun eclipsed the moon. Perfection I thought. The full moon, the end of a cycle, a beaver moon, preparing for the darkest days, and a blood moon because I was hemorrhaging my heart ache all over everything.

And then I cried. I cried every day until the next full moon. The Cold moon. The long night moon. The Cold had settled in, the dark nights were long and lonely.
And so, I cried some more. Just a little less this time.

January came and brought the Wolf moon. The darkness had receded just a bit, barely enough to notice. But the nights are quite and cold, you can hear the cries echoing in the hollow night air.

And that brought me to February, the Snow moon. The pure whiteness of the snow helps to illuminate the darkness. The nights get a little shorter. The days a little longer. We're halfway to new beginnings. The snow sparkles like a glimmer of hope. I cry, again. Some days I think I can see the light. I think I know what’s resting beneath the frozen ground waiting to emerge.

March will come, and eight more moons after that. And an entire lifetime of moons after that.

And every full moon I'll think of the night you rose up and painted the moon red for me.

From Darkness there is Light

I’ve lived my life in a shadow, cast by generations of trauma I’ve yet to fully unravel.

Without you here, the darkness is gone, your insecurities no longer have a place to hide

There is no one here to tend the fire when the shadow recedes. I am only left with ashes and misery

But I rise, as we always have. Bolder than before.

My heart aches in longing but my soul sings knowing how much light you’ve left behind.

I have found freedom of self in my grief, freedom I will spend a lifetime paying for.

Freedom to use my voice. To be seen. The women I am after can never be the woman I was before.

Making Magic for my Mom (and me)

For a long time I had been batting around this idea in my head about making a photo that reflected some of the things I learned from my mom.

Growing up my mom had beautiful long red hair and I would watch her sit under a hood dryer with curlers in for what seemed like hours. I actually have no idea how long it took. She would take her curlers out and use a hair pick and the next thing I knew she had gorgeous volume and her hair would tousle down her back. It was magnificent. I got my first set of hot rollers when I was about ten years old for Christmas, my mom was in the hospital that year and I remember spending so much time in the bathroom before we went to visit, trying to get my hair like my moms. I remember how devastated I was that my hair was anything but perfect. Curling my long hair and trying new hair styles has always been something that makes me happy, and my heart just burst knowing I get to pass that on to my little girl. Making this photo as a gift to my mom for mother’s day was really special to me and I’m glad everything came together the way I had hoped.

Shelly Hays, Sauers Furniture, Monroe Michigan Forever Ago Photography Renee Hollister May 2021

Shelly came to the shoot full of energy and totally ready to make some awesome photos. Once we made the photo I wanted we moved on and took advantage of her awesome wardrobe and the fantastic location.
I do a lot of antiquing and I knew that Sauer’s Furniture was exactly what I was looking for. Norm and Justin were so accommodating and basically just let me hang out in the store for hours. I’m always so grateful to find people who don’t think twice about sharing what they have with others. They really made the whole experience so low pressure because I knew they had no problems with me being there. What a blessing.

Shelly Hays, Sauers Furniture, Monroe Michigan Forever Ago Photography Renee Hollister May 2021

It’s funny the things that are passed down from our parents or to our children. My creativity and joy of making art is something that has also been passed on to me for generations. My Grandpa Bobby was a woodworker, clock maker, photographer, painter, and so much more. He built my beloved dollhouse and taught me about painting, My Grandma Peaches crafted all sorts of things, and crocheted. She showed me how to craft. My mom is an artist, she taught me how to draw. My dad is a tinkerer, and taught me to always try new things and to do them well.

Shelly Hays, Sauers Furniture, Monroe Michigan Forever Ago Photography Renee Hollister May 2021

Projects like these really light the fire in me, and I love the feeling of an idea coming forward the way it’s planned in my head. I look forward to more projects like this one.

Hello May! Almost.

Ohh the colors! The yellows, purples, and greens are stunning right now. I’ve had a little time this week to get out and enjoy the colors. We picked a million dandelions and tried our hand at some Dandelion Jelly. Just like the internet says it’s got a bit of a honey taste with hint of lemon. The flavor makes me want to bake some warm biscuits to smother it on while wearing a big hat and sipping tea from a porcelain cup. It’s got a whole vibe.

We also found our self a grove of beautiful Red Bud trees. They just look so perfect with a back drop of the bright green budding trees. The purples make my heart sing. I’ve been living near a beautiful Metro Park and have really taken the time to explore it. It’s now on my summer To-do list. Metro parks are the best place to rollerblade, so I’ve got big plans for that. They also have lots of neat hiking trails to explore and I’m really excited to get Evelyn out exploring. Hopefully, this year she will be able to enjoy all wonderful things summer in Michigan has.

Lower Huron Metro Park New Boston, Michigan April 2021

Lower Huron Metro Park New Boston, Michigan April 2021

And lastly, Brad and I had a little adventure of our own this week and went to take care of some farm business. We got to meet a new friend and he was kind enough to let me wander around and take pictures on his property. There were so many creepy little gems, I’ll share a favorite. Before I started taking pictures of people I always was taking pictures of “stuff”, it was wonderful doing more of that this week.

Good Bye April!

An Empty Pool - Not in Los Angeles April 2021

A little note…

Re-birth, harmony, balance, and clearing out the old dust from winter. And that’s what we’ve been working on the last few weeks as we ushered in the spring equinox and welcomed all of the new things that the lasting light brings us. We’ve been doing our spring cleaning around the house and the farm. Evelyn and I spent a day sweeping out all the old in our house and saying bye-bye to winter, right out the front door. We also said Hello to the new growth outside and put our hands in the soil and thanked her with a gift and hoped for a fertile year.
It’s been busy. As we moved into spring I accepted a new job and things in life will change for us once again. And that’s okay! Like I tell Brad, the only thing we can count on is change. It’s always happening, and usually, it just makes life better.

The warm days are peeking around the corner and we can finally let the sun embrace us and wrap us in her warm hug. And it’s lovely! If you haven’t had a chance to say Hello to Spring take a moment and let her kiss your face, she misses you too.
So here we are in April, Happy April! I have some fun things coming up and I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. For now, here is Sweet Ebbie Rae…

Getting Focused and Staying Focused

I’m just going to keep things going here and give you some ideas on how to get focused and stay focused.

It’s not technically the new year anymore but if you’re anything like me you’re still kind of on that new year new me jam. (I’m never really a new me, I just get new goals) Maybe you’ve already lost track of all the big things you planned this year and need help finding you’re way back to center.

Either way, I'm your gal. I’ve compiled a few of my favorite tips on how to be a more focused version of your bad-ass self.

1. Batch working! Yes, this is something that has really made things a bit less stressful. When running a business we have A LOT of tasks. Posting to IG, blogging, client emails, updating websites. When it comes to Instagram and blogging I set aside some time during the week and batch work. I make the week’s Instagram posts and a few blog posts at a time. It really takes the pressure off making time every day to get the task complete. It’s one less thing in my day-to-day I have to worry about. With Instagram especially, this has been a lifesaver. If you are running stories and reels you can make more than one at a time and save them to post later. Same with blog posts and IG feed items. There are a ton of great apps out there that can really help you streamline the process. So if you find yourself stressed every day about what to post, cut out some time on Sunday and set yourself up for the week. I promise it will make a difference.

2. This one is kind of the same idea as making your bed every morning. It sets us up for success. You immediately feel a sense of accomplishment and you carry that with you throughout the day. The same goes for running your biz. Take care of that busy work first thing in the morning. Post to IG, respond to your e-mails, bookkeeping, all of it. Not only will it carve out time for the bigger task later in the day it will set you up to feel like a champion. And who doesn’t love feeling like they run the world?

3. Okay, this one might be a little daunting as it calls for some self-reflection. But if you take the time now and figure out what you are spending time on every day and really figure out what works and doesn’t work I’m positive you will be able to find some tasks that are just eating up your time and giving you no result. This one can tend to circle you back to batch work. I’ve spent a lot of time writing an individual email for every new inquiry, but with the right support, you can streamline the process and actually make templates. Instead of spending 30 minutes trying to craft a perfect email I can take the time once and save the template for a response to some of the more general inquiries. Not only is this a time saver it really can help improve the client experience. And that what it’s all about

Ok, you’re right it's not a very extensive list but a small start is better than no start.

I started this new app that's supposed to help me have healthier habits and the damn thing made me drink water every morning for three days before it let me include breakfast. RUDE.

My point is, we all start somewhere so maybe just pick one and get really good at it.

Or maybe trash all of it, I don’t care.

And yes, I'm still going through clothes, I’ve moved the give-away bags into my car and am keeping a log of how many times I drive by a drop-off before I remember to actually drop them off. But the super nice thing my husband did is all coming together.

Hey girl, put yourself first!

Where am I focusing my energy?

Really I think the question should be, where would I like to be focusing my energy?
Right now, this week, my energy is everywhere. We’ve started a project at home, I wasn’t really ready to take it on but my husband was trying to be sweet, so I went along. Four days later and my living room is full of totes and I’m weighed down by bags of baby clothes, little boy clothes, pre-pregnancy clothes, my husband's high school clothes (come on, man!). With a house screaming for Konmari, and all the other day-to-day tasks a mother is obliged to take care of, what I WANT to focus on and what is getting my attention are two entirely different things.

As my business starts to grow, I’m really trying to put my focus on marketing and using social media to bring in clients. Simply put, I’m working on my IG. A lot. And right now it really feels like the best place to be putting my business energy. Since it’s off-season it’s an excellent time to really put in the care and time that the back end of running a business deserves. Investing in education, creating a marketing strategy, and engaging with potential clients is really what makes the whole thing work. I’ve had some great opportunities this winter to spend time with women who have helped me navigate the big bad world of being a small business. I’ve learned loads of marketing strategies and all about “The Algorithm” (so, scary). So, like any good student, and I am, I’ve made my way over to the dreaded Blog. You know, for the SEO.

But really, the writing doesn’t bother me, it’s the whole thinking of what I’m supposed to say that really harshes my vibe.

Alright friends, I suppose if you made it here I must be doing something right. Holla at your girl and let me know if this was the worst three minutes you’ve ever spent.
Or maybe you’re dying to know what terribly kind thing my husband did for me? Maybe I’ll let you know if I ever finish the project.